Thursday, April 23, 2009

What's the matter with Texas?

What's the matter with Texas?

Texas are known to be an independent bunch. That's the root of their charm. But many have streaked right past quirky independence into Crazy Town, USA.

Actually, scratch that USA part.

Idiot Republican governor Rick Perry has sounded the bell on secession. As in seceding. From the union. Normally, Perry's ranting would fall into the radical right-wing trash can with Karl Rove's plan for a permanent Republican majority from 2004 and those "Rudy for President" signs.

Then a recent poll came out, asking Texans what they thought of leaving the United States of America. Sixty-one percent said they'd like to stay with Old Glory, thank you very much. Why is this number not 90 percent? Thirty-nine percent of that state believes Texas should be an independent nation or are waiting for further study. Let Glenn Beck dig into the facts before coming to a final decision.

Thirty-nine percent! Forty-eight percent of Republicans. For those deficient in math, that's nearly half! Hard to believe. This is crazier than Glenn Beck, who is clearly at a Buffalo Bill level of insanity at this point.

This is especially funny coming from a group of people -- not all Texans mind you -- who think they are more patriotic than everyone else. They love God, Family and Country. They're good Texans and better Americans. Unless, of course, their candidate or party happens to get its ass kicked. See November 4th, 2008. Then it's time collect the guns, board up the windows and wait for Rush's orders.

In the elementary school years, it's expected that a child, in a temper tantrum, would like to take his ball and go home. After a Capri Sun and some cartoons, the fit will have run its course. You would think that voting-age adults would be a bit more mature. Your party lost two straight elections. The other team is in charge now. And when that is the case, policies that you may disagree with will be enacted. You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. That's called democracy.

Did California's governor threaten to secede when George Bush did (insert impeachable crime here)? No. And imagine what the blowhards on FoxNews would have done if a Democrat even whispered this sort of thing. Just imagine. And they would have been right. Such talk is, frankly, un-American.

More frankly, it's treason.

It would be an act against the government of the United States. It stands to reason that if every state decided on its own which laws it wanted to follow and which president it felt like honoring, then the United State would cease to exist as the nation it is today. The USA would resemble Bosnia-Herzegovina or Yugoslavia or whatever it's called now. Just a bunch of regions with loosely defined borders, rife with conflict

So to those in Texas and elsewhere who don't like Barack Obama and want to take their little nerf balls and run home, do you like being traitors? Does it feel good? You love to wave the flag at NASCAR events and boast of your superior sense of Americana. Well, do you want to scratch a few stars off that flag? Because that is what you support.

This country already fought a war to maintain its union of states. Remember? It was called the Civil War. Many in the south still haven't gotten over that one. The good guys won and they're still pissed centuries later. With a black guy in office, what could be a more perfect time to fight once again to dismantle this country?

Oh, by the way, you can forget those hefty defense contracts that pump millions into your state, Texas. And the military bases, too. You don't get to keep those. And waive goodbye to federal tax dollars from those same "coastal elites" you think are socialists because it's only socialism if you don't see the dollar bills. It's called free-market capitalism when you do. You could also lose college football. The NCAA might not look kindly on you.

And, without Texas' electoral votes, Republicans outside Texas would have a tough time getting elected. And you'd lose two reliable Senate seats and Al Franken and Rosie O'Donnell and George Soros would take over. You'd be completely surrounded. Like the Alamo.

Still want to secede?

It's only one poll. And one very stupid, patronizing governor of Texas. They sure know how to find them over there. It's also very galling and amazing. We're just about 100 days into Obama's administration and the hard-core Republicans are already losing their minds. The left was furious at George Bush in April, 2001. But no state threatend to leave. To all those in favor of such a drastic action, please, just go back to your Confederate bumper stickers and your Civil War re-enactments. Imagine you're in a world where the North lost that "war of aggression," slavery still exists and George Bush is the most popular president in history. That way, in Reality Land, America can still have 50 states, some more wacky than the others.

Because 50 is a nice, round number and it should stay that way.


  1. You just want to get your passport stamped next time Dunder Mifflin sends you to Austin, Schaible.

  2. Maher last night on Texas: "don't let the 21st century hit your ass on the way out."