Sunday, May 31, 2009


I am going to borrow from esteemed blogger Chad Finn and compile a list of Top 5s for your enjoyment.

TV shows from June 2008-May 2009
5. 24
4. True Blood
3. Lost
2. The Shield
1. Friday Night Lights

Favorite classic Classic Rock songs
5. The Ocean - Led Zeppelin
4. All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
3. London Calling - The Clash
2. Baba O'Riley - The Who
1. Dream On - Aerosmith

Pet Peeves
5. People who start talking to me but stop and say "Nevermind."
4. When people who think they're better than everyone because they only shop at Whole Foods and eat vegetables and tofu and then snark at me for having a cookie.
3. Drivers who, instead of waiting one second for me to pass, merge onto a street in front of me, forcing me to slow down considerably or use my brakes. This always happens when there's not a single car in sight behind me for hundreds of yards.
2. Drivers who think the entire neighborhood needs to hear their crappy music/people who have bass so loud it shakes MY car
1. How every damn bill is due within a week of each other.

Most traumatic events of my childhood
5. First near car accident when I was very, very young. My maternal grandmother was in the car as well and it's basically my only memory of her
4. My first "Lost in the supermarket" nightmare
3. The first time I got on a plane and discovered the intense pain it causes in my jaw and ears. This was in the fourth grade and I was on my first trip to Disney World in Orlando.
2. Getting a cute gray kitten only to have it die a week later
1. Getting bike-jacked about two minutes from my house. Cranston is tough town.

Favorite Beatles songs
5. Norwegian Wood (This Bird has Flown)
4. The Long and Winding Road
3. Penny Lane
2. She Said, She Said
1. Something - I can never get enough of the bridge. "You're asking me will my love grow / I don't know I don't know."

Saddest songs
5. Hurt (cover) - Johnny Cash: He pretty much sang this song on his deathbed. Really powerful
4. Brick - Ben Folds Five
3. Imagine - John Lennon: For me, it's sad because all of the dreams he sings about will never happen.
3. Black - Pearl Jam
1. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton: Goes without saying

Most important moments that shaped my political views
5. Myrth York's losses to Lincoln Almond in the Rhode Island governor's races. Not sure why I was rooting for her, but I was.
4. 1984
3. My dad telling me once, "I've been around 70 years and the Republicans have been wrong on almost every single issue."
2. 9/11. Dirty little secret coming up: I went through a little conservative phase after that event. I wanted blood. When I saw the Palestinians celebrating on TV (turned out to be BS) I wanted to bomb the shit out of them. I was cutting out conservative columns from the papers early my freshman year at college. But then they started to use 9/11 for crass political points and that was it for me. I regained my senses.
1. 2000 Presidential Election. The first time I voted. The way that whole thing went down set in motion my extreme dislike of the conservative movement.

Favorite athletes of my tween/teen years
5. Marcus Camby
4. Cuttino Mobley
3. Roger Clemens
2. Drew Bledsoe
1. Mo Vaughn

Top Hawk moments
5. Getting a call asking which Red Sox players were circumcised
4. My first time seeing that Dave Santino treason poster. Hilarious.
3.My "good guy" campaign against Grimey. We took it a bit too far, but it was fun at the beginning.
2. When Champ called Emily - while she was sick - pretending to be "Dr. Jones." I don't know if I've ever laughed that hard before.
1. Watching the Red Sox win the World Series in 2004 with fellow Hawks Grimey and Katie. There should be a plaque somewhere.

Top things/people I have introduced to Jeff Schaible
5. The New England Patriots
4. Z.C. Hossem
3. That journalism would be a much easier major than international affairs
2. His fiancee
1. The Killers

Top things/people I have introduced to Zach Hosseini
5. Lost
4. J.R. Schaible
3. Alcohol
2. "Not like this!"
1. The Ch-ch-ch-changeup followed by the 95 mph knuckleball

Top 5 things Jeff Schaible has introduced to me
5. Tickets to my first Yankees-Red Sox game
4. Bowls of crusty, pungent onion dip
3. The shortest video game sports seasons known to man
2.Tom Brady as the "future of the team" minutes after Drew Bledsoe went down
1. The Schaible Face

Top 5 things Zach Hosseini has introduced to me
5. 30 Rock
4. Conservative radio talk show host Chipford Tuckerton Battlecreek X: "Liberals!"
3. The Starbucks frappuchino
2. Speckled Hen
1. The outside world (it's still scary)

Monday, May 25, 2009

All about Steve

This guy and this gal are getting married. Big deal, right? People get married all the time.

The real main event on July 25th will be ... me.

Yes, I, Stephen R. Sears, will be giving a speech after we rush though all the opening acts, like the marriage and stuff. Kind of like how you wait the trailers before the feature presentation. It's not every day where I give a speech. Actually, I've never really given one. Hence, all the excitement. The Providence Journal called my speech the most anticipated event in Rhode Island history after the unveiling of the Potato Head statues.

To reward my loyal readers, I hereby present you an early version of my speech. I have slaved over all the words and I know this will be a grand slam.

Here goes.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you for coming here today. I, for one, just flew in from Florida, and boy, is airline food bad these days or what?? (BREAK FOR LAUGHTER) I haven't had food this bad since the last time my wife cooked dinner! (LAUGHTER)

Hoo boy. I congratulate the beautiful couple. Marriage is a beautiful thing. They say a good man needs a good wife, but I think buying a dishwasher is cheaper. (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) A dishwasher doesn't nag as much, you know what I'm sayin'? (MORE LAUGHTER) And it's better in bed. (LAUGHTER WON'T STOP) Yeah, the guys here know what I'm sayin.'

And you know how black people are all like, "Wassup?" (LAUGHTER) And white people are like, "Hello, kind sir?" (LAUGHTER) What's the deal with that?

Anyway, marriage is great, isn't it? You know the best part about marriage? (PAUSE) When it ends. (UNCONTROLLED LAUGHTER)

But seriously, it's a joyous occasion. If you watch any television, you'll know how Jeff will be from now on. He will sit on his couch and watch the local sporting event while Emily does all the work of the suspiciously clean, ceiling-less house. Jeff will forget all the important dates and even his kids' names. And these kids will look nothing like them. They'll be Asian with red hair or something. And Jeff will always come perilously close to ruining the family before Emily comes in and saves the day -- but not before a whole bunch of family-friendly fun. (LAUGHTER)

There will be the hilarious day when Jeff tapes over the tape of this wedding for a Yankees-Royals game in May. Oh boy will Emily be pissed. (LAUGHTER) Jeff will try many things to right his mistake and fail miserably, but Emily will forgive him. Just wait until he schedules a golf date with his boorish, idiotic, out-of-shape buddies on their five-year anniversary. Won't that be a riot? (LAUGHTER)

Oh, men are stupid, aren't they? Lazy, forgetful, afraid of commitment, but always loveable. Jeff is none of these. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if your favorite pizza topping is another pizza. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if you're in a cafe in Paris, France and order a hamburger. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if you swing helpless at a 50-mph super changeup from Steve Sears. (SPATTERING OF LAUGHTER)

But, seriously folks, we're all happy for him and for his lovely wife. The ceremony was fun and all, but let's get to the real stuff. Me. (APPLAUSE) Thank you for dressing up so nice for me today. And ordering all this nice food. And the nice beach-front rotunda. You're all too kind.

The truth is, our married couple would not be here today if it weren't for me. I introduced them. I introduced their parents to each other and am therefore responsible for their very existence. (APPLAUSE) I've probably saved the lives of everyone in the room in ways both large and small. (APPLAUSE)

(DRAMATIC PAUSE) Why do I do it? Why do I always help people out so much? Why am I such a great person? I ask myself this question every day. The truth is, I don't want to know. Because if I do, I might stop. I might feel satisfied.

That must not and will not happen, my friends. I will strive to improve the lives of everyone I meet. (APPLAUSE) It melts my heart to see all you here, celebrating me. It's about time someone honored me. I deserve it. So dance for me tonight, people. Dance ... for ... me! (STANDING OVATION) Thank you! You're too kind. Too kind. Thank you! And please, leave the presents with Zach. He'll bring them to me. Thank you!

That's what I have for now. I'm still working on a dramatic exit involving a helicopter, explosions and unicorns. You'll have to wait until D-Day to see that. Let me know if you have any compliments/praise for this speech.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Release the terrorists!

Sometimes debates in our country become so stupid, so sophomoric that it makes my chest hurt.

This recent hullabaloo about the Senate overwhelmingly denying the White House funds to close the Guantanamo Bay prison is one of those instances.

It's long past clear that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is one of the more spineless, clueless and ineffectual leaders in American politics today. With 59 votes, he can barely pass one piece of legislation without watering it down with Republican sewage. And, hell, there are times when he can't get anything done because of the ever present bogeyman ... the Republican Filibuster.

Apparently, the Democrats need 90 votes to get anything done. Actually, that's not enough. Two hundred should do it. Maybe then Democrats will understand that the voting public has rejected the conservatives in two straight elections. No longer do they need to piss their pants anytime Newt Gingrich or Dick Cheney says something mean.

So once the rightwing nuts started screaming, "No terrorists in our backyards!" the streaks began to appear down the legs of most Dems. Because, of course, Obama plans to unleash the detainees at Guantanamo onto the streets of America, with complimentary explosives and blueprints to subways and federal buildings. Khalid Sheikh Muhammed will move into the house next door! He'll be watering his lawn when you go to work in the morning! He'll be at your PTA meetings. Oh Lordy!

Nevermind the fact that plenty of terrorists sit in our SuperMax prisons right now. They've been there for years. The mastermind of the first attack on the Towers sits in a U.S. prison. Charles Manson sits in a U.S. prison. Eric Rudolph sits in a U.S. prison. If there's anything we Americans do better than anyone else, it is imprison people. For a long time. And they never leave. (Unless you're Michael Scofield.)

But now, all of a sudden, our maximum security prisons are day camps where terrorists come and go as they please. The only solution, according to morons, is stash everyone in an extra-legal island prison that is an affront to everything the Constitution stands for.

Many Dems bought this bullshit talking point. Reid's office released a statement saying: "He will always strongly oppose the release of any terrorists onto American streets."

I haven't heard Obama say, "Release the terrorists! Let them run free!" This is the most powerful person in the Senate and yet he sounds like Sean Hannity here. Amazing.

He also said he doesn't work for President Obama. He works with him. That's nice to hear. Stand up to the President. Don't be a rubber stamp. Stand up to that dictator Obama!

Now, if you please, stand up to the Republicans, too.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

And so it ends

Are we back to LoserTown in Boston?

I'm joking. But damn, last week Boston was going 3-0 on most nights, with the Bruins, Red Sox and Celtics winning their games. Much has changed.

The Bruins lost in overtime at the hands of a player who should have been suspended. The Celtics blew a nine-point lead in Orlando. The Red Sox go 2-4 on a West Coast road trip with Big Papi suffering a horrendous 0-for-7 night with 12 runners left on base.

The Red Sox just lost two of three to a bad Mariners team and on Sunday night the Celtics said goodbye to their season after losing to the Magic. Not the best week, but who am I to complain? Boston has had it good the past few years.

This loss does not sting too badly. With no Kevin Garnett, any hopes of a title were unrealistic. Brian Scalabrine played big minutes. That tells you all you need to know how depleted they were. Despite some real shaky play and tons of careless turnovers, the Celtics played their guts out.

Normally, I save those sentiments for Little League. Pro sports is about winning. Playing hard is expected. No, it's demanded. I just had no expectations this time. They gave us a great series in Round 1 and came out on top. Everything from then on was gravy. This is different than a certain Patriots' loss in Arizona. They were the better team and lost thanks to some very bad luck and refusal to pounce on 40 fumbles that would have changed the game. That killed me and still does.

This Boston Celtics team, sans KG, just did not have the edge in talent. And they lost. What more can be said? They defended their championship with guts but lost to a better team.

The Cavs would have smashed them anyway.

And tomorrow, I say goodbye to Season 7 of 24. What an emotional few days!!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Steve's Peeves

Two for the price of one today.

Enough is enough. The time has come for PC and Mac (Microsoft and Apple) to come to a truce. After 450,048 versions of that Apple commercial, I'm going on a Justin Long boycott. Count me out of "Drag Me to Hell" or whatever it's called.

I get it. The PC is old and stodgy while the Mac is hip and cool, like pogs back in the day. I get it. I got it five years ago when this damn campaign started.

Now Microsoft has countered. You have 8-year olds claiming to be PC's. Then they're sending people to stores to buy computers as we follow them along. I hated this when I went to the mall with my mom and sisters and they'd spend 45 minutes in a Claire's that's no bigger than a dorm room. So I don't like tagging along while people shop for computers during every commercial break to every sports game on the air.

Just ... stop ... it.

I fought with my sisters all the time. Chairs were thrown, as were insults. One would credit the collapse of the Japanese economy to stagflation and burgeoning trade deficits while I cited credit defaults and over-production in the technology markets. These arguments grew heated many times. But eventually we stopped. It's not worth it.

Someday I pray Microsoft and Apple will follow suit.



So John Locke was dead all along? I was all pumped to see the new Locke, confident, with a purpose. He's by far (it's not even close) the most interesting character on the show. From defeated paraplegic to mysterious hunter savant to possible leader, the journey of Locke mirrored the journey of the whole show - redemption.

Then Lost turned into Star Trek or Quantum Leap. Not saying I dislike it, but that's what happened. So I bought his resurrection and the episodes with him and Ben were the best this season. I loved the new Locke.

But in the finale, we see Locke's dead body ... again. So the Locke we've seen this season is some doppelganger on a mission to kill Jacob. Looks like it succeeded, but then again, you never know with this insane show.

For all I know, Locke is still alive somehow for the last season. But for right now, I'm a bit disappointed. I hope he finds his redemption somehow.

Monday, May 11, 2009

What I learned from Joe Morgan

Watching the re-broadcast of the Rays-Red Sox game on ESPN2 today, I found out two things from analyst Joe Morgan.

1. It's easier to steal second than home.

2. The Red Sox do not have anything against sacrifice bunting because Dave Roberts stole a base five years ago.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A kind missive

WARNING: The following entry contains language that may not be suitable to children or mothers. The following is the opinion of Steve Sears and does not represent the views of Sears Inc. or any subsidiary companies.

Dear message board warriors,

Why must you ruin society? Is it sheer stupidity? Mischievousness? Boredom?

People with minds want to know.

Take the situation that the Boston Globe is facing. Its parent company, the New York Times Co., is holding a gun to its head, threatening to blow the whole building up unless the Guild gives them what they want. So after all the liberal, empathetic, working man editorials, the New York Times acts in real life like a cross between Mr. Potter and the big, bad evil mall developer who always threatens to demolish the local park or favorite tree house in a Disney movie.

The comments section on these stories on are frightening. Like a driver passing a gruesome accident, I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help myself. Here's a sampling.

It's about time the Globe folded! No one wants to read their librul/Democrat commie propaganda anymore!!

Hey, why don't you get your favorite black militant friend OilBama to bail you out! HAHAHAHA

Who reads the Globe anyway??? Good riddance.

Hmm, since you're commenting on the Globe's website, it's safe to say you're reading it, asshole. Forget the virtual dancing on the grave these yokels do in bunches after every story, drunk on the power that many people's jobs could be lost because the editorial section is to the left of Genghis Kahn. What country are they living in? Yeah, being liberal sure kills The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Its left-leaning stance has destroyed the Huffington Post. No one will see a movie these days since they hate those commies in Hollywood. Oh, and the voters are sure making those Democrats pay by continuing to elect them, even in staunchly conservative districts.

And if you believed 90% of youtube and/or sports sites commenters, everything is gay. Everything. Tom Brady is gay because he dates a supermodel. If you don't think Brett Favre un-retiring for the 30th time is a good idea, you're a fag. Just in the past few days, I have come across the following terms: Bulldyke, cockfucking butt pipe and faggot ass muncher.

For such manly, heterosexual men, they sure love to bring up male-on-male fellatio whenever they get the chance. The story could center around the Saints signing a kick returner, the Royals raising ticket prices or Bill Belichick strangling a puppy just to watch it die -- it doesn't matter. Homophobic slurs spring forth.

"Ignore them, Steve," you say. "Who cares what they think?"

I don't care, per say. Just because Manning45H$G thinks the Pats suck doesn't mean I won't root for them. Just because TruePatriot8777 hates Obama does not affect my opinion on the president one iota. I just hate idiocy. I hate its glorification. And I hate that I'm stupid enough to waste my time with it. I work for a website. I check comments all the time, to gauge reader reaction and such. I step into the sludge on a nightly basis, knowing I will see some awful things. And I always do. Anytime we put up a story that even mentions President Obama, my coworkers and I count the seconds until the readers chime in.

Obama hates America! He's a pussy! All librul fags must die!

I do not exaggerate. The language gets dicey. One comment forced me to alert our community editor last Friday at 3:30 in the morning and it went something like this.

I'm not being racist when I say this, but all black people wanna do is smoke crack, rob people, collect welfare and eat fried chicken.

A reader once went after a Jewish writer on our site, saying that he wished his grandparents had burnt in the ovens at Auschwitz.

How can this not bother me? I work over a hot stove of news stories and columns nine hours a day (sometime more) for five days a week and many of the readers, not all of them, not even a majority, but enough of them act like fucking idiots at the end of each one.

Someone has an opinion they don't agree with? Fire him! Your team's rival lost a game? Go to their stories and taunt their fans like a worthless loser. If you're going to tease people, at least have the decency to do it to their faces, not behind SoxFan4EVA.

The Internet revolution has affected our society in ways we can't even fathom right now, but one thing is clear. Everyone can chime in on anything. Anything. If you're somewhat famous and want to feel bad about yourself, go online. If you're an attractive, 130-pound female celebrity who put on five pounds and want to be called fat by 300-pound men typing with Cheetos stains on their fingers that you're a fat bitch, go online.

Imagine if such madness existed in the time of William Shakespeare. He posts the first act of Hamlet on his blog and hours later reads the following comments:

This sucketh big penis! Procure thine self with other form of occupation, thou foulest pheasant!

Thoust penship is whack! Typical lout of Lady England! Ottaman Empire representith!

Or what about the Gettysburg Address?

"that all men are created equal" Socialism! GO BACK TO YOUR FRIEND NAPOLEON III IN FRANCE! I hope someone shoots you in the head while you're watching a play!

This is the WORST speech I have witnessed!! I waited for hours to hear this pointy egg head speak and he talks for five minutes! I want my bartered pigs back!

You get the point. Everything sucks. Everyone is a cheater. Everyone is gay. It wears on my after a while. So many people are so dumb, so unafraid of their stupidity and are actually proud of it. Sure, have an opinion. Just back it up and try to act like you're older than 12. That's not asking for too much.

Leave it to the Onion to encapsulate this better than I ever could. One of the all-time greatest articles in its history.

The Golden Rule for online decorum should be this: Don't say anything you wouldn't say to the person's face.

I.E. Don't get into some anonymous shouting match with a fellow poster because there's nothing more pointless than anonymous people calling each other names in a story about A-Rod taking batting practice.



P.S. Your all gay.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dream FAIL

I have trouble remembering my most vivid dreams. Usually, I wake up with the memory of something intense, but the details are long gone. I once had your typical "lost in the supermarket" dream when I was a little kid and it terrified me. Other than that one, most of the time it's the feeling I remember, not the specifics.

Lately, I've had a string of dreams I actually recall and they all involve school. High school to be exact.

It has been eight years since I graduated high school, yet every dream I have had recently centers on a couple of things.

1. I'm in some old class and there's a few random people from my past there to take me back to my Thunderbolt years.

2. There's always a surprise quiz or test. Or there's a paper due. Yet I'm always unprepared for it or I flunk it.

3. A strong feeling of shame and/or embarrassment washes over me.

Dream ends.

One very, very strange dream I just had involved Vice President Joe Biden. The fact that he showed up in one of my dreams weirds me out, quite frankly. In the dream, I have to make a presentation to him on Afghanistan or Pakistan. I'm waiting outside his office and when he calls me in, I suddenly panic because I don't know much about either country. I flip through a map as a form of some last-minute cramming and then I bullshit my way through the meeting. I know this does not involve school, but it does involve the feeling of being unprepared or forgetful. What I can't remember about this dream is whether I was able to fool the VP. I know the dream continued, I just can't call up the details.

Yeah, very odd. But then again, dreams are supposed to be odd. I once had a dream that I was being pushed around in a shopping cart by some woman who then forgot me at the checkout counter.

The aspects of these recurring dreams that confuses me are the high school parts and me not being prepared for tests or papers. One of the few things I was good at during high school was being prepared for such work. I had very good grades. In essence, these dreams sort of undermine one of the few talents I had during those years.

Odd. Maybe I'll need to buy one of those dream interpretation books so I can finally discern what what my subconscious is trying to tell me. And really, I'm 27. It's time to stop dreaming about Cranston East or term papers.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Shooter McAllen

The most exhausting postseason series since the 2004 ALCS has come to a conclusion and the ending, like the one five years ago, is a happy one. Celtics win and avoid the infamy of a defending champ losing to a .500 team in the first round.
Sportswriters and bloggers will surely cover every possible angle of this series ten times over. It was that memorable and historic. The big development for me as a Boston sports fan is this: Ray Allen is quickly becoming my favorite Boston athlete to watch.

Tom Brady would be No. 1, but it seems like five years have passed since I've seen a beautiful bomb to Randy Moss. When he comes back, the sexiest QB alive will re-take the top spot. For now, I've come to Jesus (Shuttlesworth).

After a pitiful Game 1 performance, the talk of Ray Allen and his playoff foibles popped up. I was very frustrated, too, but come on, did these people remember how Allen destroyed the Lakers in the Finals?

Well, Allen hit the winner in Game 2 and put on one of the best playoff performances in Celtics history in Game 6. He made the clinching bucket in Game 7, the three-point play on a half-court pass for a lay-up. There is no one on the team, Paul Pierce included, I'd rather see shoot the ball with the game on the line.

Ray Allen's shot is to shooters what William Shakespeare is to writers. His shot is a thing of beauty. A wonder of the world. It's perfect. When he's in a groove, the arc of the shot is flawless. The ball shreds the nets, makes a nice swish sound and doesn't even graze the rim. Scientists at MIT should study the mechanics and the physics of his jumpshot. The Smithsonian should put it on display -- don't ask me how -- for future generations to admire. President Obama, who has some skills of his own, should take videotape of Allen raining 3-pointers to the Middle East. We'd have peace there quicker than Mike Gorman can say, "Ray ALLEN!!"

I love watching him shoot. I can't put into mere words how much I enjoy it. It's akin to listening to a sublime concerto or watching a Pacific Ocean sunset. Think back to Game 6 of the Finals last year. He put on a clinic. He's hit countless game-winning threes in his two years in Boston. When he's at the Fleet/Banknorth Garden and vaults a 3-pointer, the crowd always stands up as the ball floats in a perfect arc like you're tracing it with a protractor, and when the swish comes the place explodes.

He might be the greatest pure shooter in NBA history. He's definitely in the discussion with the likes of Reggie Miller . What separates him in my eyes is the form and grace with which he plays. It's not quite like Pedro Martinez from 1998-2002, that was an out-of-body experience. But it's a treat to watch and I'm kicking myself for discovering it just recently.

With Big Papi a shell of his former self, Pedro Martinez and Nomar Garciaparra long gone, Ray Allen sits alongside Tom Brady as the two Boston players I can't help but watch, admire and thank the sports gods that they play for my teams.

P.S. I would have embedded some Youtube clips but it won't let me. I'll be damned if I ever figure it out.