Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A kind missive

WARNING: The following entry contains language that may not be suitable to children or mothers. The following is the opinion of Steve Sears and does not represent the views of Sears Inc. or any subsidiary companies.

Dear message board warriors,

Why must you ruin society? Is it sheer stupidity? Mischievousness? Boredom?

People with minds want to know.

Take the situation that the Boston Globe is facing. Its parent company, the New York Times Co., is holding a gun to its head, threatening to blow the whole building up unless the Guild gives them what they want. So after all the liberal, empathetic, working man editorials, the New York Times acts in real life like a cross between Mr. Potter and the big, bad evil mall developer who always threatens to demolish the local park or favorite tree house in a Disney movie.

The comments section on these stories on are frightening. Like a driver passing a gruesome accident, I know I shouldn't look, but I can't help myself. Here's a sampling.

It's about time the Globe folded! No one wants to read their librul/Democrat commie propaganda anymore!!

Hey, why don't you get your favorite black militant friend OilBama to bail you out! HAHAHAHA

Who reads the Globe anyway??? Good riddance.

Hmm, since you're commenting on the Globe's website, it's safe to say you're reading it, asshole. Forget the virtual dancing on the grave these yokels do in bunches after every story, drunk on the power that many people's jobs could be lost because the editorial section is to the left of Genghis Kahn. What country are they living in? Yeah, being liberal sure kills The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Its left-leaning stance has destroyed the Huffington Post. No one will see a movie these days since they hate those commies in Hollywood. Oh, and the voters are sure making those Democrats pay by continuing to elect them, even in staunchly conservative districts.

And if you believed 90% of youtube and/or sports sites commenters, everything is gay. Everything. Tom Brady is gay because he dates a supermodel. If you don't think Brett Favre un-retiring for the 30th time is a good idea, you're a fag. Just in the past few days, I have come across the following terms: Bulldyke, cockfucking butt pipe and faggot ass muncher.

For such manly, heterosexual men, they sure love to bring up male-on-male fellatio whenever they get the chance. The story could center around the Saints signing a kick returner, the Royals raising ticket prices or Bill Belichick strangling a puppy just to watch it die -- it doesn't matter. Homophobic slurs spring forth.

"Ignore them, Steve," you say. "Who cares what they think?"

I don't care, per say. Just because Manning45H$G thinks the Pats suck doesn't mean I won't root for them. Just because TruePatriot8777 hates Obama does not affect my opinion on the president one iota. I just hate idiocy. I hate its glorification. And I hate that I'm stupid enough to waste my time with it. I work for a website. I check comments all the time, to gauge reader reaction and such. I step into the sludge on a nightly basis, knowing I will see some awful things. And I always do. Anytime we put up a story that even mentions President Obama, my coworkers and I count the seconds until the readers chime in.

Obama hates America! He's a pussy! All librul fags must die!

I do not exaggerate. The language gets dicey. One comment forced me to alert our community editor last Friday at 3:30 in the morning and it went something like this.

I'm not being racist when I say this, but all black people wanna do is smoke crack, rob people, collect welfare and eat fried chicken.

A reader once went after a Jewish writer on our site, saying that he wished his grandparents had burnt in the ovens at Auschwitz.

How can this not bother me? I work over a hot stove of news stories and columns nine hours a day (sometime more) for five days a week and many of the readers, not all of them, not even a majority, but enough of them act like fucking idiots at the end of each one.

Someone has an opinion they don't agree with? Fire him! Your team's rival lost a game? Go to their stories and taunt their fans like a worthless loser. If you're going to tease people, at least have the decency to do it to their faces, not behind SoxFan4EVA.

The Internet revolution has affected our society in ways we can't even fathom right now, but one thing is clear. Everyone can chime in on anything. Anything. If you're somewhat famous and want to feel bad about yourself, go online. If you're an attractive, 130-pound female celebrity who put on five pounds and want to be called fat by 300-pound men typing with Cheetos stains on their fingers that you're a fat bitch, go online.

Imagine if such madness existed in the time of William Shakespeare. He posts the first act of Hamlet on his blog and hours later reads the following comments:

This sucketh big penis! Procure thine self with other form of occupation, thou foulest pheasant!

Thoust penship is whack! Typical lout of Lady England! Ottaman Empire representith!

Or what about the Gettysburg Address?

"that all men are created equal" Socialism! GO BACK TO YOUR FRIEND NAPOLEON III IN FRANCE! I hope someone shoots you in the head while you're watching a play!

This is the WORST speech I have witnessed!! I waited for hours to hear this pointy egg head speak and he talks for five minutes! I want my bartered pigs back!

You get the point. Everything sucks. Everyone is a cheater. Everyone is gay. It wears on my after a while. So many people are so dumb, so unafraid of their stupidity and are actually proud of it. Sure, have an opinion. Just back it up and try to act like you're older than 12. That's not asking for too much.

Leave it to the Onion to encapsulate this better than I ever could. One of the all-time greatest articles in its history.

The Golden Rule for online decorum should be this: Don't say anything you wouldn't say to the person's face.

I.E. Don't get into some anonymous shouting match with a fellow poster because there's nothing more pointless than anonymous people calling each other names in a story about A-Rod taking batting practice.



P.S. Your all gay.