Monday, May 25, 2009

All about Steve

This guy and this gal are getting married. Big deal, right? People get married all the time.

The real main event on July 25th will be ... me.

Yes, I, Stephen R. Sears, will be giving a speech after we rush though all the opening acts, like the marriage and stuff. Kind of like how you wait the trailers before the feature presentation. It's not every day where I give a speech. Actually, I've never really given one. Hence, all the excitement. The Providence Journal called my speech the most anticipated event in Rhode Island history after the unveiling of the Potato Head statues.

To reward my loyal readers, I hereby present you an early version of my speech. I have slaved over all the words and I know this will be a grand slam.

Here goes.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you for coming here today. I, for one, just flew in from Florida, and boy, is airline food bad these days or what?? (BREAK FOR LAUGHTER) I haven't had food this bad since the last time my wife cooked dinner! (LAUGHTER)

Hoo boy. I congratulate the beautiful couple. Marriage is a beautiful thing. They say a good man needs a good wife, but I think buying a dishwasher is cheaper. (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) A dishwasher doesn't nag as much, you know what I'm sayin'? (MORE LAUGHTER) And it's better in bed. (LAUGHTER WON'T STOP) Yeah, the guys here know what I'm sayin.'

And you know how black people are all like, "Wassup?" (LAUGHTER) And white people are like, "Hello, kind sir?" (LAUGHTER) What's the deal with that?

Anyway, marriage is great, isn't it? You know the best part about marriage? (PAUSE) When it ends. (UNCONTROLLED LAUGHTER)

But seriously, it's a joyous occasion. If you watch any television, you'll know how Jeff will be from now on. He will sit on his couch and watch the local sporting event while Emily does all the work of the suspiciously clean, ceiling-less house. Jeff will forget all the important dates and even his kids' names. And these kids will look nothing like them. They'll be Asian with red hair or something. And Jeff will always come perilously close to ruining the family before Emily comes in and saves the day -- but not before a whole bunch of family-friendly fun. (LAUGHTER)

There will be the hilarious day when Jeff tapes over the tape of this wedding for a Yankees-Royals game in May. Oh boy will Emily be pissed. (LAUGHTER) Jeff will try many things to right his mistake and fail miserably, but Emily will forgive him. Just wait until he schedules a golf date with his boorish, idiotic, out-of-shape buddies on their five-year anniversary. Won't that be a riot? (LAUGHTER)

Oh, men are stupid, aren't they? Lazy, forgetful, afraid of commitment, but always loveable. Jeff is none of these. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if your favorite pizza topping is another pizza. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if you're in a cafe in Paris, France and order a hamburger. (LAUGHTER)

You know you're a Schaible if you swing helpless at a 50-mph super changeup from Steve Sears. (SPATTERING OF LAUGHTER)

But, seriously folks, we're all happy for him and for his lovely wife. The ceremony was fun and all, but let's get to the real stuff. Me. (APPLAUSE) Thank you for dressing up so nice for me today. And ordering all this nice food. And the nice beach-front rotunda. You're all too kind.

The truth is, our married couple would not be here today if it weren't for me. I introduced them. I introduced their parents to each other and am therefore responsible for their very existence. (APPLAUSE) I've probably saved the lives of everyone in the room in ways both large and small. (APPLAUSE)

(DRAMATIC PAUSE) Why do I do it? Why do I always help people out so much? Why am I such a great person? I ask myself this question every day. The truth is, I don't want to know. Because if I do, I might stop. I might feel satisfied.

That must not and will not happen, my friends. I will strive to improve the lives of everyone I meet. (APPLAUSE) It melts my heart to see all you here, celebrating me. It's about time someone honored me. I deserve it. So dance for me tonight, people. Dance ... for ... me! (STANDING OVATION) Thank you! You're too kind. Too kind. Thank you! And please, leave the presents with Zach. He'll bring them to me. Thank you!

That's what I have for now. I'm still working on a dramatic exit involving a helicopter, explosions and unicorns. You'll have to wait until D-Day to see that. Let me know if you have any compliments/praise for this speech.


  1. Steve,

    I'm concerned. We need you to fill more time. As far as I know, our DJ only owns one Ace of Base cassette... this thing is going to be 5 hours. Stretch it out.

    Maybe when you mention your changeup, you could demonstrate by pegging the pastor in the head with the microphone.

    Or maybe you could mention your English award and read directly from the complete works of Shakespeare.

  2. Yawn.

    I'm sorry, did you say something?

    I just woke up from the strangest dream . . . we were at a wedding . . . and I got a mix tape with songs from new and exciting bands . . . and you groped the bride's hot cousin . . . and . . . and . . . and you were funny.


  3. Oh Zach. You're so ironic, detached and hard to impress!

    Jeff, that last option is still very much on the table.