Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Dear NFL Network

Dear NFL Network,

Hi. You don't know me, but I know you. You're on all the TVs in the office that are not turned to ESPN or porn. I've seen enough of you to know a few things. You created the cyborg named Adam Schefter. You devoted endless hours to muscly men in tights running and jumping around in front of other men, yet it was considered manly. (But if I listen to Coldplay, I'm very gay.)

Oh, and I know one more thing. As my pal Dave has said a few times, apparently you have lost all the tapes from every NFL game ever played except two: The 2006-07 AFC Championship Game and Super Bowl XLII.

What do these two games have in common? They were gut-wrenching, kick-in-the-nuts followed by sleepless nights losses by the New England Patriots.

I ask you, NFL Network, why you continue to run these two games on an endless loop, day after day after day after day. It's so bad that I refuse to even check out your network anymore. Why would I? I have no desire to relive these losses. Granted, they were notable games, but they're on your channel more than World War II documentaries are on the History Channel.

Maybe we can find the dog whisperer or Matlock to find the other games for you. I've done some number crunching. I've rummaged through scores of musty old books. I've talked to many grizzled old men with mustaches and missing fingers and all signs point to there being other games in the history of the NFL.

It's true. Look it up. Joe Montana was in a few good games. So were the 1970s Pittsburgh Steelers. And this may come as a shock, but those New England Patriots who you continue to flog, they've won a few games in their time.

And the one time I found you not playing those two games, you were playing another Patriots loss, this one from 1994 to Dan Marino's Dolphins. I know the Pats are your version of the Nazis. They're the bad guys. Show them getting beat so you can convince the viewers that evil suffers in this mixed-up world. They cheat and they're cheap. Unlike the Raiders or Redskins, they refuse to throw around cash like Pacman Jones at a strip club, which is the reason the Pats are the laughingstock of the league and the Raiders and Redskins are champions.

And Bill Belichick strangles puppies just to watch them die.

I get it. But every .... damn .... time I see your programming, there's a Manning doing something horrible to the Patriots. It makes the basement scene from Pulp Fiction look like a sponge bath. Do you do this to punish me? Will you be televising my horrid interview with Einstein Industries with accompanying cartoon footage like the Ricky Gervais Show on HBO? Will you dig up the candid footage of that cosmically boring economics class from my freshman year of college? My feeble attempts to ice skate? My 5,000 losses in ping-pong the past few weeks?

Leave me alone!

I realize there is a 95 percent chance some douchebag Jets fan in his Bubby Brister jersey is responsible for this. But you can no longer blame a Jets fan for such idiocy than you can blame a baby for peeing itself. It's what they do. And if it's a Colts fan, then just change the rules and ban these two games from ever appearing on your network again. Colts fans should be very familiar with changing the rules (and game-killing interceptions from their QB).

Do this for your own good, NFL Network. The MLB Network is kicking the living crap out of you right now. It's an epic blowout. It doesn't have to be this way.



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