Sunday, March 8, 2009

Name game

One of my favorite past times from college was making up names for video games, Madden specifically. We came up with a few good ones, like Vin Books, Ian Sophocles and Miguel Arruba.

My mind has been wandering the past few days, and guess what popped in? Fake video game names. Yes, I have a strange brain.

So here's what I came up with.

1. Osiris Crumblepot: Osiris is your aging power forward who's been around the league and is always good for some "veteran presence." He never quite lived up the hype coming out of college. He made some bad investments. Was temperamental with the media. But he's good enough to ride the bench and perform his M.L. Carr impersonation.

2. Shelby Cervantes: A young, hot-shot outfielder, ala Jacoby Ellsbury. He's speedy and has some pop -- at the plate and with the ladies. He might develop a drug problem and expose himself in front of Tim McCarver during a post-season celebration.

3. Dunk Travers: Another old center who was great in his hey-day, but can only wear the Marc Blount face as he sits on the Pervis Ellison memorial bench seat. He could play the Patrick O'Bryant roll for a contending team.

4. Gunther Ponchatrain: A middling, career backup quarterback. Think Scott Zolak but with a cool name and even better Louisiana accent.

5. Tra'LaShawn Colson: A speedy wide receiver who always hurts his hamstring but makes you forget about it with the occasion 90-yard touchdown catch.

6. Samson Punchbox: Easy. A two-tooth hockey defenseman with little-to-no skill on the ice but tremendous potential to break a pool cue over your head in some sleazy bar after the game.

I do not ask anything of you, my loyal readership. But I have a request. I want you to add to this wonderful list. Come up with a cool name for a fake athlete. Surprise me. Enlighten me. Delight me.

If you don't, I will be very disappointed.


  1. Tre'Chance Risk: Backup running back from Florida State.

    Texas Foster-Forrester: Famous sprinter, son of former olympic decathletes Ben Foster and Wendy Forrester.

    Waverly Bright: Girls cross country champion in Massachusetts.

    Titus Iron: A never-was minor league slugger.

    Franklin Delano Rape: Or, FDR, a french tennis player from the unfortunately named town of Rape, near Bordeaux.

  2. I knew you'd come through Zach. Still waiting on Schaible though ...

  3. Zach, "Titus Iron" sounds a lot like former Northeastern quarterback "Ty Steele" and runningback "Keith Irons."

    Clutch Cooger - a Lenny Harris-like bench player with a penchant for ninth-inning heorics.

    Cinnamon Teal - Think Maria Sharapova... but a redhead.

    Talon Dude - Tim Tebow's second-cousin.

    Wes Virginia - Name assumed by Z. Cole Hosseini, aged 32, oddly mature freshman at D2 basketball powerhouse Northeastern University (2015).

    Duncan Donuts - Nicknamed "The Dunk," Donuts is the last man on the bench for your Boston Celtics.

    Cranston Dunkirk O'Calaci III - I dunno but he sounds sucessful.

    Chinua Achebe Schaible - Future ace of the New York Yankees.

  4. A couple more...

    Craven Sinclair - Pass-rushing defensive end.

    "Admiral" Hammond Bullshot Rumblebottom - 102-year old head coach of the Welsch cricket team.

    Langhorn Rawhide - 347-pound right guard.

  5. I totally forgot about Chinua Achebe Scahible! Great work, Jeff. You and Zach both get A's.