Monday, July 13, 2009

Cocaine, Whores and Chicken Parm: A Vistior's Guide to Jeff Schaible's Bachelor Party

On Friday, July 17th in Boston, Massachusetts, men and woman from all over the globe will converge to celebrate the last day of freedom for Jeffrey Robert Vanderwal Schaible (aka Suliman al-Schibabble, aka Jezvavanov Schizbabbleniet, aka El Jefe, aks Schaibletonious the Narcissistic).

It will be a joyous night of stimulating conversation and prodigious amounts of illegal stimulants. Here's the breakdown of the glorious night.
7 p.m.

The preparations will be made at the Pour House in Boston. Red carpets will be unfurled. Gold statues of tigers, eagles and Simple Plan will be displayed. A lavish feast of chicken parm burgers, onion dip pizza and un-chewable beef strips will be prepared by the greatest chefs in the world, from Boyardee to Uncle Tony.

The Master of Ceremonies Steve Sears will overlook all preparations with an iron fist. If the French burgers (raw hamburger meat served on french bread) is not up to specification, Sears will scream, "Not like this!" to the mortified cooks.

A shipment of Russian, Croatian and Turkish whores will be shipped. Sears will inspect the street walkers. They'll wait in the truck until they're needed.

The groomsman will arrive in limousines and coats made of fur taken from chipmunks and kittens. They will take their seats in the V.I.P. section.
Truck loads of cocaine will arrive. Sears will also inspect.


The festivities begin with a song by American Idol winner David Cook. Other acts will include the sissified Starbucks music Schaible enjoys. Then, in a grand finale, the mysterious Mike Grimala will take the stage to perform his Hot 100 hit, "Hey, What's Up."
Jeff Schaible arrives, escorted by 23 gorgeous Pour House waitresses. The number 23 is an homage to Yankees great Don Mattingly. The announcer, Chuckles Fountain, will call the groom-t0-be Jarf Shay-bile.


With no shame, Schaible will order long island iced teas for the entire crowd. When no one is looking, Sears will sneak in a margarita instead.


Sears will begin with a small toast, recounting the time he beat Jeff in H-O-R-S-E one day and Jeff took out a machine gun and riddled the basketball with bullets. Then he set fire to the Marino Center. And he dropped boiling acid onto the sidewalk, killing several pedestrians. So Steve said Schaible was "insanely competitive" and Jeff never forgot it. He's so insanely competitive that he had to be the first to get married. The whole group will find this story hilarious.


After some drinks, dinner is served. Chicken parm burgers, onion dip pizza, New England Soup Factory soup, stone cold, rock hard beef strips and "Instant crap" Northeastern cafeteria delicacies are enjoyed.

Zach Hosseini arrives.


Hosseini and Grimala engage in a heated debate on whether Ryan Freel's on-base percentage against left-handers will equal Jeremy Hermida's on-base percentage on Sundays against pitchers born in the '80s.


Sears tries to persuade Schaible to dress up as Super Mario for the wedding. The bride would no doubt be pleasantly surprised, but Schaible is dubious. Schaible changes the subject and asks Sears which team he should build his next 15-minute dynasty around in MLB '09 on the Playstation Wii or whatever the kids have these days. Sears tells him he should be the Reds. Schaible will choose the Nationals instead with plans on a lineup of Carl Crawford, Willie Harris, Jacoby Ellsbury, Brett Gardner, Willie McGee, Darren Lewis, Donnie Sadler, Reggie Willits and Willie Mays Hayes.


It's time to bring out the drugs and the whores! And absinthe!

1:45 a.m.

Sears awakes to a horrid scene. Puke all over the walls and floor. Passed out, naked prostitutes. A llama wearing a cowboy hat. John Daly in pajamas. Hosseini sitting on a recliner, snoring, just ten minutes after putting a movie in the DVD player. Mike Grimala is bald. Schaible is no where to be found.


A cursory examination of the premises reveals no sight of Schaible. The only trace of him is a tattered gray hoodie with tomoto sauce stains found in the bathroom.


After arguing for 10 minutes, Hosseini brow beats Sears into calling the bride-to-be with the bad news.


Sears leaves to make the call.


Sears returns, his face a pale white. He reports that the call included 13 death threats and 77 curse words. The phrase "You find him or I'll rip your (bleeping) heart out you f&^%stick sheep*&^#er ass&^$# co&^di*& motherf&^#er" may have come up.


Hosseini takes charge, dispatching Grimala to Chinatown, Sears to Dorchester and himself to Boston Shawarma.


Instead of going to Chinatown, Grimala goes home to do push-ups and listen to U2 B-sides.


Sears finds Hosseini in the Shawarma, which is amazingly open for business. Sears has been shot four times and has been called "Whitey," "Cleetus" and "Neil Goldman" by Dorchester street toughs.


In an effort to cheer up Sears, Hosseini takes out a guitar and sings the chorus to the his best folk hit.

It's a Schaible kind of life / Full of chicken parm and strife / If you ain't ahead of the game / You ain't livin' right / It's a Schaible kind of life


The Pour House calls Sears irate that there are 23 passed out hookers in the bar and Colombian Street Powder all over the floors. Sears hangs up. Hosseini figures they both should flea to the woods of Maine and hope Schaible shows up before the bride's hit squad discovers where they are.


Hosseini urges Sears to agree to film gay porno called "Do Ass, Don't Tell: The Backdoor Story of Rear Admirar Steven Rears." He cautions Sears that "You will get reamed in the ass many times." Sears says, "As long as it's by Tom Brady, I'll take it like a champ."

8:42 a.m.

Sears and Hosseini steal a car from Mission Hill. They don't know it's Jeff's car. They drive off, all the time unaware that Schaible, dressed in a bumblebee outfit is busy purchasing a mandolin and a motorcycle.


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