Hosseini and Grimala engage in a heated debate on whether Ryan Freel's on-base percentage against left-handers will equal Jeremy Hermida's on-base percentage on Sundays against pitchers born in the '80s.
Sears tries to persuade Schaible to dress up as Super Mario for the wedding. The bride would no doubt be pleasantly surprised, but Schaible is dubious. Schaible changes the subject and asks Sears which team he should build his next 15-minute dynasty around in MLB '09 on the Playstation Wii or whatever the kids have these days. Sears tells him he should be the Reds. Schaible will choose the Nationals instead with plans on a lineup of Carl Crawford, Willie Harris, Jacoby Ellsbury, Brett Gardner, Willie McGee, Darren Lewis, Donnie Sadler, Reggie Willits and Willie Mays Hayes.
It's time to bring out the drugs and the whores! And absinthe!
Sears awakes to a horrid scene. Puke all over the walls and floor. Passed out, naked prostitutes. A llama wearing a cowboy hat. John Daly in pajamas. Hosseini sitting on a recliner, snoring, just ten minutes after putting a movie in the DVD player. Mike Grimala is bald. Schaible is no where to be found.
A cursory examination of the premises reveals no sight of Schaible. The only trace of him is a tattered gray hoodie with tomoto sauce stains found in the bathroom.
After arguing for 10 minutes, Hosseini brow beats Sears into calling the bride-to-be with the bad news.
Sears leaves to make the call.
Sears returns, his face a pale white. He reports that the call included 13 death threats and 77 curse words. The phrase "You find him or I'll rip your (bleeping) heart out you f&^%stick sheep*&^#er ass&^$# co&^di*& motherf&^#er" may have come up.
Hosseini takes charge, dispatching Grimala to Chinatown, Sears to Dorchester and himself to Boston Shawarma.
Instead of going to Chinatown, Grimala goes home to do push-ups and listen to U2 B-sides.
Sears finds Hosseini in the Shawarma, which is amazingly open for business. Sears has been shot four times and has been called "Whitey," "Cleetus" and "Neil Goldman" by Dorchester street toughs.
In an effort to cheer up Sears, Hosseini takes out a guitar and sings the chorus to the his best folk hit.
It's a Schaible kind of life / Full of chicken parm and strife / If you ain't ahead of the game / You ain't livin' right / It's a Schaible kind of life
The Pour House calls Sears irate that there are 23 passed out hookers in the bar and Colombian Street Powder all over the floors. Sears hangs up. Hosseini figures they both should flea to the woods of Maine and hope Schaible shows up before the bride's hit squad discovers where they are.