Three Peeves in a pod

"World famous ice cream!" reads the menu at a local establishment.

"World famous pizza!" screams one hole-in-wall pizza place.

This has bugged me for a while. Businesses always screech "world famous" this or "world famous" that. Are people traveling the globe to eat ice cream in Coconut Creek, Florida? A calzone in Margate? I doubt it.

I wouldn't even mind if a famous local place used the "world famous" line, like Iggy's with their great doughboys. But if no one really knows about you, you can't be world famous. There have to be some rules -- even some truth -- in advertising. Otherwise, we would lose our soul.

If I called this blog "world famous," you would laugh. First, because it would be "World Famous Famous Last Words," which is just cumbersome. Second, my site gets as many hits as Ceasar Crespo (rim shot!).

One day, I hope little pizzerias, ice cream shops, cafes and all the rest will recognize the fraud they are perpetrating on the American public.

***

Damn kids! Get off my lawn!

And turn down your car radio while you're at it, you rapscallions!

The other day I was in my modest car driving to work. I was at a stoplight and a car rolls up behind me booming his loud music. The bass pulsated through my vehicle to such an extent that my rear view mirror was shaking, like the puddle in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex approaches.

I will never understand why some people want everyone to hear what music they're listening to in their cars. When the bass is that loud, it just ruins the song anyway. I know it's "cool" to crank up the bass, but have some consideration. When I can't hear a thing from my speakers, then that's a good indication the music is too loud.

And if this makes me sound like Grandpa Simpson, then so be it.

***

Ever watch a crime movie or TV show? I'm sure you have. So you know when the detective arrives at the murder scene, walks into the room and winces just a bit before he or she sees the mangled, bloody body waiting for them?

That's me anytime I venture into the men's bathroom at work. These lavatories have produced some grisly -- and I mean GRIZZLY -- scenes throughout the years. Scenes of unimaginable horrors. Scenes that will stick with me for a long time.

These instances are easily avoidable of course. If the men who work in my building flushed the toilets more than 50 percent of the time, I would not walk into the bathroom with my hands over my eyes.

You'd think the guys would know that flushing the toilet is a good thing. Hopefully they don't assume their moms will come in afterward and pull the lever for them. But no .... they leave me and many others some gruesome surprises.

I've seen some things, man ... I've seen some things ...

Please. Pretty please. Pull the lever when you're done, because if I see one more crime scene in those toilets, I could become as grumpy and wisecracking as Law & Order legend Lennie Briscoe.

"We've got a DOA on this one. Ugly scene," says random cop.

Lt. Sears surveys the horror. "Wipe this for prints then clean it up."

"Yes, sir," cop says.

After cop walks away, Sears cracks, "And I thought I had a crappy job."

DUN DUN