Saturday, July 11, 2009

Jack's best hits

One of my favorite characters on TV right now is Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock - the funniest show out there these days. He's the big boss on the show. A conservative corporate titan of business with a disdain for liberals, creative types and his mother. I've been watching some of the DVDs lately and thought it would be helpful to list some of his greatest quotes for your enjoyment.

Jack: Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.
She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. Anything in between has no place on television.

Never go with a hippy to a second location.

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

The Italians have a saying, Lemon. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.

Liz: What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz: Well, I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Liz: Mr. Donaghy, I sincerely apologize; I'm so embarrassed.
Jack: Well, I guess you must be embarrassed if you're hiding in the storage closet.
Liz: This is my office.

Jack: Are you familiar with the GE tri-vection oven?
Liz: I don't cook very much.
Jack: Sure... I gotcha. New York, third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for ... a week.
Liz: What, are you going to guess my weight now?
Jack: You don't want me to do that.

Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic - colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Since Giuliani left it's getting harder to harvest hobo organs.

The closest I came to vomiting tonight is when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.

I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.

Save it Liz, I booked the 9-1-1 Bird. Winston here saved his owner by dialing 9-1-1 and yelling fire only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Jack: My mother wanted to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me.
Kenneth: Oh.
Jack: I was twelve.

Jack: Let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?
Kenneth: Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name!
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.

Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman. Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

And my personal favorite ...
Jack: I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack. It's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: I don't think he's real.
Jack: I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.

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