Saturday, April 3, 2010

My audition for Cosmo is my homepage. Very often I will see sundry dating columns on the front page: Five ways to get the woman/man of your dreams or 10 worst ways to dump someone. So on and so forth. I usually ignore them. Last night, I clicked on this story.

If this is what you call "dating advice" then I think I can do it. Now, you may think taking such advice from me is like taking a pitching lesson from John Wasdin, but if you read the story, you'll see writing such "profound nuggets" with a touch of "humor" isn't very hard. So let me give it a try.

10 Dating Mistakes Men Make

by Sassy Sassafrass.

Men. (BOOO!!!) Yes, they can be boorish, insensitive, idiotic, fat and useless, but we still love them anyway because we have no other choice. Guys, with all these strikes against you, mistakes are not an option. If you want to win a woman's heart (only to crush it into pieces later) there are certain traps you have to avoid. Thankfully, I'm on the case.

1. Don't poop on the floor: Your girlfriend might think it's cute when Spot or Sparky leaves a nice coil on the carpet, but it's not quite as adorable when you do it. So, guys, do like your mommy taught you and go to the potty. Women hate having to clean up your dirty socks, so imagine how much they hate cleaning up dirty poopies. Talk about a crappy situation!

2. Hitting on Mom: Talk about a mother-#$##U&*&*! Sure, your future mother-in-law may have the body of a sorority girl, but keep your hands off, gentleman! We all know men are crazed, immoral sex hounds, just leave our mothers out of it.

3. Hitting on Dad: This is even worse.

4. Shooting your girlfriend in the leg: When women say they love it when men bare arms, they're talking about muscle shirts on the beach. Please, if your girlfriend walks through the door after a long day at work, don't plug a bullet into her. It's not attractive.

5. Getting a sex change: Perhaps your girlfriend wants you to get in touch with your feminine side. What she means is more Dancing with the Stars, not hormonal therapy. Keep the package, gentlemen. Once it goes, so do we.

6. Sleeping with her friends: You're trying to impress your friends, so one night you seduce your girl's best friend. Then she finds out about it. I would suggest you don't do this. Studies show women prefer their men not to have carnal relations with their gal-pals. You heard it here first.

7. Setting your girlfriend on fire: Women love adventurous men, but sometimes you go to far. A third-degree burn looks terrible in a wedding photo. When we say we want some heat in the bedroom, a four-alarm blaze is the furthest thing from our minds!

8. Selling her into slavery: Once you get into the black market of human trafficking, that's a deal- breaker, ladies.

9. Skulls on the wall: We girls don't like messy apartments. You don't have to be Martha Stewart, but the beer cans and crusty onion dip are a big turn-off. Even worse, if we find human skulls on the wall or smell rotting flesh, we're not going to stick around long enough for your explanation.

10. Inviting ex-girlfriends into a three-some: We don't care about your past. We're with you to start a new future. But once you propose bringing Sadie from college into bed equipped with a camera, electrical probes and a walrus, things could get weird. When getting down to business, guys, keep things to a duo. Too many chefs spoil the broth.

Maybe I'm not Cosmo material, but I think I provided some useful advice for the men out there. Now I just need to find a stock photo of two good-looking models (man and woman) looking pissed at each other and some pink/purple typeface and I'm ready to go.

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