Friday, June 5, 2009

Analyze This

Yes, I have Google Analytics. No, I don't use it to bump up my traffic. If I wanted to do that, I would write about boobs and puppies.

I use it for the map.

Google Analytics tracks hits to the site, the location of those hits and how they found themselves at my tiny, tiny blog. A banner day for this blog is five hits in 24 hours. People have come here googling "words with b in the middle" and "almost famous steve sears."

I wasn't in the movie.

I've been found through the search of "jeff schaible." I can only presume it's Jeff googling himself, as he does every day. "famous people from mcallen" shows up. I have no idea why. "Man cleveage" brought someone to this site and good thing it did. I covered that topic already.

It's fun to see what random ways people use to find this site, intentionally or not. But my favorite thing is the map. It tracks the location of all my visitors and there are some interesting results.

First, I'm huge in New York. It's by far the state that visits me most. I guess it has to be Gisele from her New York apartment, keeping tabs on me in case I try to steal her husband. Next up, the great state of Massachusetts, followed by Florida and Nevada (hello, Pascone.)

The most interesting tidbit? I have more hits from Ohio and Texas the past 30 days than I do from Rhode Island. In all, I've been visited by 17 of the 50 states in this union. (The above plus California, Pennsylvania, Maryland, New Jersey, Connecticut, Maine, Colorado, Georgia, Illinois and Virginia.) My goal is all 50. So if you ever find yourself in a random state, like Idaho or Arkansas, just come here for one second. That's all I ask.

Oh, and my appeal is not limited to the great people of the USA. I have fans in Great Britain, Italy, Greece, India, Canada, Paraguay, Ecuador, France and Malta. Average time on my blog for most of these countries? Zero seconds. Zero! These poor people were so horrified by what they saw, they altered time and space to vanish from my den of debauchery in no time - and I mean that literally.

Let me make it clear. I do not update this blog semi-regularly because I seek fame or fortune, though it seems both of those will be heading my way momentarily. (I know the Sears brand can play in Portugal.) I do this for my loyal fans, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. You average nearly 30 seconds a visit here. Thank you! For the time you could spend watching a beer commercial, a male enhancement commercial or a Julio Lugo at-bat, you spend your rapidly dwindling amount of seconds on this earth here.

There's no greater honor I could have. Google Analytics can never measure this.

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