Monday, February 2, 2009

25 Random Things

I give in.

In protest of Facebook and its reign of random terror, I will provide my list on this blog.

Tags: President Obama, Alf, Nina Meyers, Krang, Bob Holmes, Mr. Osso, Vishal and Jelly.

1. I was supposed to have a twin sister, Stephanie, but I killed her in the womb. It was crowded in there and someone had to go. It wasn't me.

2. I am addicted to the scent of gasoline.

3. I deliberately left out Dave Doyle from the award-winning series "The Chronicles of Mordor" because I just don't like him very much.

4. I traveled to New Zealand because I thought I could kill Zach there with impunity and collect the life insurance without Jack McCoy getting on my case.

5. I hid satanic messages in my Duxbury boys lacrosse stories while at the Boston Globe.

6. I think that green female M&M on the commercial is hot. She can melt in my hand anytime. Giggidy.

7. I enjoy going to random elementary schools to tell children that there is no Santa Clause and that life is a series of failures and humiliations.

8. When we played handball in high school gym class, I was by far the best player of the group.

9. I've lived in Rhode Island and have never been on the Block Island ferry because, frankly, I don't want a trip back to care free times.

10. I secretly voted for Libertarian Carla Howell for governor of Massachusetts in 2002.

11. To this day I fear the ice cream man. He has this funky white truck and it's hypnotic music that seeks to lure children from out of their homes for "treats." Always seemed like some liberal plot to destroy the nuclear family, if you ask me.

12. For some reason I used to love tuna fish as a kid, but I can't eat it anymore. I also used to hate pickles on my hamburgers but now I can tolerate them.

13. I handed out free cigarettes and liquor to underage kids while working as a cashier for Phred's Drug. I ran a whole smuggling ring from the trunk of my 1988 Toyota Tercel - the Robin Hood of the Cranston/Warwick line the kids called me. It's always nice to be admired.

14. I paid Cranston High School East 27 dollars to win the English Award, teaching me at just the right age that bribery is the WD-40 of the professional world.

15. I broke Jeff Schaible's Simple Plan CD because it was either that or kill him because I cannot be associated with anyone who likes that band. It was simple, really. I scaled the outside wall and cut a hole through the window and tip-toed around the discarded Mike's hard lemonade bottles. I found the CD but I was too weak to snap it in half so I contracted the job to my Russian mob associates in downtown Boston.

16. One day I will burn Cabin X to the ground and dance around the fire.

17. I cried when Myrth York lost the governor's race ... each time.

18. My childhood crush - and idol - was April O'Neil. So sexy in that yellow jumpsuit and a reporter to boot!

19. I believe Groundhog Day should be outlawed.

20. On my days off I go to senior citizen bars to hang out. I then trick them into handing over their life savings by getting them drunk on moonshine.

21. I spend more time at Starbucks than at Dunkin' Donuts. Why would I pull off such treachery? Because I just loooove the music at Starbucks. Entice me with some winsome, soulful singer/songwriters and you might bring me back, Dunkin'.

22. If I was a girl, I'd be called Juliette and my boobs would magically grow bigger and bigger by the season on some strange, South Pacific island. I could also speak Latin.

23. Sometimes I wish I was born in Norway or Finland. Sure there's like a 50 percent chance I'd kill myself, but I think I'd be one of the coolest people in the country. I'm not appreciated enough here.

24. I wish I could wear glasses just so I could take them off before saying something grave and dramatic.

25. If you can quote Shakespeare, you're a dweeb and deserve an expense-free trip to Gitmo. If you can quote Family Guy, you're my soul mate.


  1. I don't like you very much, either.

  2. Myrth York! What, it wasn't cool to take peppermint patties from strangers outside my elementary school? There is a good chunk of fifth grade I don't remember...